The weather is slowly getting chillier.
This is my first full experience of “real” fall weather since high school. Naturally it’s causing me to become quite nostalgic, conjuring up good memories and bad. I’m revisiting photos and feel myself looking at a stranger. How I want to be that naive girl from the past and how I am also glad that I have grown up and moved past those rocky formative years.
I miss being so thin and feeling so fast and strong. I miss running through the mud and the creeks and sprinting hard up the last and final hill. I miss long slow runs with a chilly breeze while the leaves turn yellow. I wish I wouldn’t have demanded so much of myself back then. Sometimes the voice in my head was so cruel when I ran (or really when I did most anything), so demanding of improvement. Sometimes I wanted to quit back then all together, but I long now to be running down a West Virginia country lane with good friends and shoes caked with mud.
I don’t really understand why I miss these times so much. Perhaps its as simple as being reminded for the first time in a while that there is such a thing as seasons, which makes me think back to earlier times when I experienced seasonal differences every year and wasn’t surprised by them.
I don’t know why I’m having all the nostalgia for high school and West Virginia right now. Perhaps the early onset of fall this year is reminding me that the sun is slowly setting, not just on the shorter and shorter days but on my time in Europe. I worry that this year will be some sort of peak in my life and that I will not readjust to my old life. I also don’t want to readjust to the life I left behind because it was filled with unhappiness, anxiety and depression.
I truly am so happy here and I am terrified to lose this upon my return, but I guess I just have to remember that my stay in Copenhagen really has just begun.
Seeing signs of fall reminds me how easy memory can be triggered and how richly one can remember. I can feel old anguish all over again. At the same time I can also can feel old happiness, like the faint autumn sun streaking over my face on an early morning run: flashes of yellow, red, orange, brown, blending together. I want to hold on to this memory, this feeing forever.